My two selves are at war

June, 2025

Tonight, I’ve felt a struggle that often shows up: my two identities, the artist and the entrepreneur, can’t decide who’s in charge. I used to think I had to be one or the other, but I’ve recently come to realize that I’m both. And it’s vital that I respect both, otherwise I become completely undone and start feeling so lost.

The artist in me craves fluidity, authenticity, emotion, depth, creativity, and freedom. The entrepreneur wants structure, strategy, order, progress, systems and to build wealth and stability for my family.

Sometimes, I wish I were purely one or the other because it feels like that would propel me forward faster. But I’m learning that the real challenge isn’t choosing, it’s integrating. I envy the artists or entrepreneurs who fully embody just one thing and become really great at it. But that’s just not me. And trying to be something I’m not is a sure recipe for disaster.

For the longest time, I kept trying to choose. And that just resulted in my two personalities undoing each other’s work. I’d let the artist take over, feel completely inauthentic about everything the “business side” had created, and delete it all, rebuilding everything in a more artistic voice. Then, when the entrepreneur came back, I’d get frustrated that nothing on my website appealed to actual clients, it all sounded like it was made for other creatives. So I’d delete everything again and start over.

That cycle has been repeating for years, as I’ve tried to carve a path for myself, both in how I present my brand and in which direction to pursue.

When the artist was in charge, I’d buy a bunch of art materials. When the entrepreneur returned, I’d turn the art studio into an office and order stacks of business books. Back and forth, but never what truly felt like forward.

Now, I’m at a point, as I said, where I know they need to integrate. But I haven’t yet cracked how to do it. So for now, it still feels like a dance.

I try to bring them both to the table when making decisions in my business, letting the artist steer the vision, while the entrepreneur thinks about how it can be packaged and structured.

At this point, neither part of me feels fully satisfied. But I suppose this is a work in progress. And even having the awareness that I can’t, or shouldn’t, choose one over the other is already a big step forward.

Comment: December, 2025.
Last night, I had a breakthrough while rereading this entry from months ago. I realized I had been feeling fragmented because I thought these parts of me, the artist and the entrepreneur, were separate identities. They’re not. They just serve different functions. The “artist” helps me relax and process experience, while the “entrepreneur” helps me create stability and provide for my family.

Neither is an identity. Neither needs to be “in charge.” They’re simply different jobs I perform at different moments in my life.

Ahh finally at peace..